Breaking Brad: Wait ... there's a congressional spa? -
Published Monday, October 14, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 8:46 am
Breaking Brad: Wait ... there's a congressional spa?

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Today is Columbus Day. In 1492, Christopher Columbus discovered America. Had he known what the current Congress would be like, five miles from shore he would have turned the ship around and gone home.

* This is not good. Tea party members are trying to tie any vote to raise the debt ceiling to an agreement that the world is flat.

* Columbus and his men endured cramped conditions, atrocious food, abject filth and long delays. Of course, the modern day equivalent is flying coach.

* Many members of Congress left town on Friday to spend Columbus Day in their home districts. Sure, why let a little thing like potential financial Armageddon interfere with a three-day weekend?

* Halloween costumes for kids this year include the “Hooters Girl,” “Baby Pimp,” “The Terrorist” and a John Boehner mask. John Boehner? For kids? What kind of role model is that?

* The White House rejected the latest proposal by Republicans to end the government shutdown. In a sign of how bad things are going, the White House also pre-emptively rejected the next three GOP proposals.

* There's a proposal to close the congressional spa until the government reopens. See, members of Congress are willing to sacrifice, too. Furloughed federal workers have to worry about buying food, and members of Congress are potentially willing to forgo body waxes.

* Over the weekend, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell spoke by phone. Here's what I don't get. Dennis Rodman and the leader of North Korea are able to meet in person, but only days before a possible economic collapse Reid and McConnell are chatting by phone.

* At least they're not texting.

* The U.S. Senate was scheduled to resume negotiations at 2 p.m. Eastern today. I see one problem – 72 hours before a historic debt ceiling debacle and these people don't begin the workday until 2 p.m.

* The Grand Canyon has reopened. However, during the two weeks it was closed, Americans had time to step back and realize it's just a big hole and lost interest.

* The government shutdown is beginning to affect the school lunch program. I believe this falls into the “not much to lose” category.

* Child advocates say the government shutdown should be used as a teachable moment. Yeah, that's right. And kids, I hope you learned that Congress is composed of two sides – the morons and the doofuses.

* On Thursday, the government is scheduled to default on $16.7 trillion unless the debt ceiling is raised. That's tough. One day we're the most powerful nation on earth, the next we couldn't qualify for a Sears credit card.

* What was the deal with Purdue's mascot? Purdue Pete has a huge head and carries a sledgehammer. He looks like he escaped from a Chuck E. Cheese.

* There is a new Sunday Night Football theme with Carrie Underwood replacing Faith Hill. This is sort of like when America inaugurates a new president, only more important.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Lori Jenkins, charged as accessory in 4 murders, waives speedy trial
Iowa State servers hacked, nearly 30,000 SSNs at risk
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
2nd District House race: After 8 terms, Lee Terry knows how D.C. works — and doesn't
Bellevue man is killed at Minnesota dance hall after South Sudanese basketball tourney
Spring corn planting still sputters in Nebraska, Iowa, other key states
Nebraska banking and finance director to retire
19-year-old killed in one-vehicle crash at 72nd & Shirley
Gov. Heineman vetoes bill to ease restrictions on nurse practitioners
U.S. Senate race: State Auditor Mike Foley defends Shane Osborn against ad campaign
Public defender to represent Nikko Jenkins in sentencing
Mid-America Center on track for lower operating loss
Bluffs City Council approves dozens of new numbered street lights
National Law Enforcement Memorial Week set for May
Ted Cruz backs Pete Ricketts' campaign for governor
Omahan charged with 5th-offense DUI after street race causes rollover
2 blocks of Grover Street closed
Safety board report blames pilot error in 2013 crash that killed UNO student, passenger
Omaha man accused in shooting ordered held on $75,000 bail
2 men charged with conspiracy to distribute meth held on $1 million bail each
Waitress who served alcohol to teen before fatal crash gets jail time, probation
La Vista plans meeting on sales tax proposal, 84th Street redevelopment
6-mile stretch of Highway 75 is the road not taken
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
Millard school board bans e-cigarettes from all district properties, events
< >
Breaking Brad: Into the claw machine! Florida kid follows Lincoln kid's lead
In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., a child climbed inside a claw machine. Hey, Florida kid: Nobody likes a copycat.
Breaking Brad: Even Chuck Hassebrook's throwing mud!
The Nebraska campaigns have turned so ugly, Democrat Chuck Hassebrook lobbed unfounded accusations at an imaginary opponent.
Breaking Brad: Kraft wiener recall is business opportunity for TD Ameritrade Park
Instead of returning the wieners, TD Ameritrade Park is calling them "cheese dogs" and charging double.
Breaking Brad: Photos with the Easter Bunny are so 2010
In a sign of the times, most kids ran out of patience waiting for a photo with the Easter Bunny at the mall, just snapped a selfie and went home.
Kelly: 70 years after a deadly D-Day rehearsal, Omahan, WWII vet will return to Europe
A World War II veteran from Omaha will return this week to Europe to commemorate a tragedy in the run-up to D-Day.
Deadline Deal thumbnail
Steam-A-Way Carpet Cleaning
$50 for 3 rooms and a Hallway up to 600 square feet
Buy Now
< >
Omaha World-Herald Contests
Enter for a chance to win great prizes.
OWH Store: Buy photos, books and articles
Buy photos, books and articles
Travel Snaps Photo
Going on Vacation? Take the Omaha World-Herald with you and you could the next Travel Snaps winner.
Click here to donate to Goodfellows
The 2011 Goodfellows fund drive provided holiday meals to nearly 5,000 families and their children, and raised more than $500,000 to help families in crisis year round.
Want to get World-Herald stories sent directly to your home or work computer? Sign up for's News Alerts and you will receive e-mails with the day's top stories.
Can't find what you need? Click here for site map »