Breaking Brad: Are you ready for some football? - Omaha.com
Published Thursday, September 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm / Updated at 10:39 am
Breaking Brad: Are you ready for some football?

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.

* Because the G-20 summit is in Russia, after arriving, all the world leaders set their clocks back to 1962.

* Russian President Vladimir Putin called John Kerry a liar. Mr. Putin, in the United States, we do not use the term "liar" when speaking of a politician. We say they're "in campaign mode."

* George Zimmerman was pulled over by police in Florida. There's something you don't see every day. Oh, wait, actually, you do pretty much see that every day.

* According to a report, the 2020 Olympic Games will likely be awarded to Madrid, Spain. If it's in Spain, the Olympics will be a little different. Instead of marching in the opening ceremony, the athletes will be running from a group of stampeding bulls.

* The Boston Red Sox beat the Detroit Tigers 20-4. The game was so lopsided, in the eighth inning, the Red Sox relief pitcher was holding a Bud Light in his non-throwing hand.

* Later this week, McDonald's chicken wings will debut. This has been so heavily promoted, I'm expecting a drone in the shape of giant chicken wings to land atop a McDonald's.

* According to a new study, there is a “laziness gene.” Next time a dad says to his kid, “You've sat around on your butt all weekend,” the kid can retort, “Blame our ancestors.”

* The average cost of raising a child from birth to age 18 has increased to $241,080. This means this weekend a lot of dads are going to be sitting down with their kids and going: “Justin, you're nine now. Time to look for work.”

* The 2013 NFL season kicks off Thursday night in Denver. This year, the player introductions will air on “America's Most Wanted.”

* NFL players say they're glad to be off “Cops” and back on “NFL Live.”

* Sports agent Drew Rosenhaus wrestled a lemon shark. A sports agent wrestling a shark? I've heard about these species that turn on their own.

* Afterward, the shark said: “Jeez. Those agents are scaly.”

* The Minnesota Vikings unveiled plans for a new stadium with a translucent roof that allows you to feel like you're outdoors. If they build this over the entire state, there's a chance I'd visit Minnesota again during winter.

* Someone called the new University of Alabama football locker room “too extravagant.” It was the Sultan of Brunei.

* The Alabama football locker room includes a “fully-functional arcade.” After they get the Ferris wheel and roller coaster finished, it'll be exactly like a state fair.

Also from Brad: Hey, my column is a Web sensation!

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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