Published Monday, May 27, 2013 at 1:00 am / Updated at 2:44 pm
Frank Cerabino: Graduates will need some technical advice

It’s high school graduation season, a fresh opportunity to offer an (earnest/snide) address for the occasion.

Dear high school graduates:

As your commencement speaker today, I intend to make my remarks as (inspiring/brief) as possible, knowing full well that my words here today will (resonate/compete) with your (dreams/mobile devices) that you cherish and carry deep within your (hearts/graduation gowns).

I can see by your (smiles/ear buds) that your (future/Wi-Fi) is (bright/working) and you can’t wait to start (flexing/texting) your (wings/friends).

I don’t pretend to know what (careers/browsers) you’ll be launching, or whether your search for (identity/entertainment) leads you to turn to (academia/Angry Birds) or (a trade/YouTube cat videos). But I do know that we have a moment here together to (face/Facebook) this day with an outpouring of (joy/updates).

So let’s celebrate your new phase in life, knowing that our time is precious and that we don’t have an (instant/Instagram) to waste. And that as we look ahead, we should also look back fondly on all the many hours we’ve spent enjoying our (times with friends/Words With Friends).

Some of you here today are probably already (daydreaming/live-streaming) the new (future/Iron Man movie) that has been made possible due to the generosity of (your parents/some dude) who provided you the (love/pirated video) by (showing/uploading) it on (a daily basis/the Web).

They are our heroes.

As for advice, whatever your (interest/Pinterest) is, you should (follow/post) it, and not be afraid to shine your little light in the great, big (universe/Twitterverse.)

I know, some of you are already saying, “I’ve heard that song before.” Especially those of you with (grandparents/Spotify).

So what can you learn from us, members of the (older/ geezer) generations?

There are (certainly/not) many bits of worthwhile advice we can offer you. But I don’t have to tell you that. You probably have already noticed that when crossing paths with us in (life/movie theaters), we still haven’t fully grasped how to put our (lives in order/phones on silent).

It ought to be clear by now that (life/technology) is a mystery to us. And that the best bit of kindness you youngsters can offer is to stay in touch with your elders as we age, so you can (repay our love/help us with the instructions).

The constant challenges of (declining health/new electronic gadgets) and (economic insecurity/tricky computer software installations) leave older Americans vulnerable to a grim future without (security/viral videos), a future marked by a lonely life of unplugged (isolation/face-to-face human interaction).

You are our hope.

And even if you can’t save the world we left you, we’re counting on you to tell us how we can (make it a better place/survive it) by (your inspiring example/anesthetizing ourselves with entertainment).

My speech is done. OK, so how do I turn this FaceTime app off?

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